I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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