Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
