half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
