I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
