If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
