Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
