I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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