I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
