So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
