you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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