Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
