Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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