Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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