im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
we're making bets on your personal life
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
