His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
