I wish life had little blips of pornography
mondays should just be called national damage control day
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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