Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
