I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
