i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
