I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
