i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
