I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
