I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
