At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
