Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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