Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
No subtext here. People are naked.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
