I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
