I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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