she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
