I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
