I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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