foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
