i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
