Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
