20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
