I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
