So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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