Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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