Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
