He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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