my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
