You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
