I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
