Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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