this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
