I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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