All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
