sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
