clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
