Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
