I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
